New Delhi/Washington DC — It was a calm morning until the world woke up to Donald Trump’s newest claim: “I saved India and Pakistan from war. Big achievement. Many are saying it’s bigger than Abraham Lincoln.”
Before India could react with its usual diplomatic finesse, External Affairs Minister Dr. S Jaishankar calmly sipped his masala chai and asked, “Saved what now?”
Breaking News: Trump Mediates via WiFi Signal
In a post-operative interview after “Operation Sindoor,” a name that sounded more like a daily soap than a military operation, Trump told his followers on Truth Social, “I made the call. They listened. Peace happened. You’re welcome, Asia.”
Unfortunately for Trump, facts dialed in from another universe. Jaishankar, during an interview with Dutch broadcaster NOS, set the record straight—not with drama, but with the sharpness of a diplomatic scalpel. “The US was in the US,” he said, casually disarming Trump’s fantasy like a bomb technician with earbuds in.
Apparently, while the world thought , Trump believed he was playing a game of Call of Duty – South Asia Edition.
From New York to New Delhi: The Hotline That Mattered
Jaishankar narrated the real thriller: Following the barbaric Pahalgam terror attack, India struck at UN-listed terror sites. In response, Pakistan launched retaliatory air strikes—because what’s a good neighbor without mutual fireworks?
India, in no mood for hugs or hashtags, went ahead and disabled eight of Pakistan’s airbases, forcing a high-level hotline call from Rawalpindi to New Delhi.
Yes, it was a literal “Hello, can we stop this now?” moment from Pakistan’s top military brass.
Meanwhile, in Washington…
Trump, somewhere between a golf swing and a burger bite, allegedly “felt” that he had diffused the situation by merely existing. His evidence? “I tweeted peace vibes.”
“Kashmir is Not a Condo, Donald.”
Jaishankar, not one to mince words, responded to Trump’s unsolicited mediation suggestion on Kashmir by reminding him: “It’s a bilateral issue. Between us and them. Not you and your followers.”
In other words, “Kashmir is not a distressed asset on the Manhattan real estate market.”
This wasn’t the first time Trump had tried to insert himself into Indo-Pak matters. Previously, he claimed Modi had asked him to mediate Kashmir. The Ministry of External Affairs responded with the diplomatic equivalent of “Bro, no.”
America’s Spectator Mode: “We Support Everyone. Vaguely.”
Trump’s supporting cast—Vice President J.D. Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio—reportedly made phone calls to both sides. These calls, per Jaishankar, were politely heard, promptly ignored, and logged as “unwanted consultation”. You know, like when your mom tells you how to run your career at 30.
“We told them clearly,” Jaishankar said, “If Pakistan wants to stop firing, their general has to call our general. That’s what happened.”
No middlemen. No filters. No Trump Tower diplomacy.
Trump’s New Foreign Policy Manual: “Tweets, Treats & Terrific Deals”
As Operation Sindoor unfolded with precision strikes, Trump’s only recorded action was tweeting about gas prices and misspelling “Pakistan” as “Paskitan.”
In his revised foreign policy book titled “Winning the World, One Tweet at a Time”, Trump claims that diplomacy is “like negotiating real estate, but with tanks.”
He insists he should win a Nobel Peace Prize for simply knowing where India is on the map. (He doesn’t.)
The Difference Between Chai and Cheeseburgers
While Jaishankar outlined the intricate web of terrorism, regional security, and military communication, Trump’s biggest concern was whether Kashmir had enough Trump-branded golf courses.
In response, Indian Twitter users began trending hashtags like #TrumpNoThanks, #HotlineOverHeadlines, and the ever-popular #KeepYourTweetsToYourself.
One user posted:
“Trump talking about Indo-Pak peace is like Kanye advising NASA on rocket science.”
Another wrote:
“Breaking: Trump claims he ended Cold War. Also claims he invented yoga.”
Dutch Broadcaster, Desi Facts
The interview with Dutch journalist Sander van Hoorn was full of quotable moments. S Jaishankar, with his trademark cool, dissected everything from terrorist links, cross-border retaliation, and international hypocrisy, all while maintaining diplomatic elegance.
He even subtly roasted Europe: “You had the luxury of choosing prosperity over security. We didn’t.”
Translation: “Thanks for your TED Talk on peace. We were busy dodging bullets.”
Europe Thought India Was Just Spices and Spirituality
Turns out, many in Europe were surprised India had a “zero tolerance policy on terrorism.” One Dutch citizen reportedly Googled:
“Can yoga be used to fight terrorism?”
To which Jaishankar might reply: “Only if you do Breathe In – Blow Up a Terror Camp – Breathe Out.”
Trump’s Imaginary Peace Prize Acceptance Speech
If Trump had his way, here’s what his Nobel Peace speech would look like:
“Look, nobody’s done more for India. Nobody. Modi? Great guy. Big fan of mine. He called me, I called him, we solved it. I said, stop firing, they stopped. Because I’m a very stable genius. Also, best mango lassi I ever had was in New Jersey.”
Meanwhile, Jaishankar, in his composed desi dad tone, would calmly explain to reporters: “Foreign policy isn’t a reality show.”
What Really Ended the Firing: Facts vs Fantasy
While Trump was busy self-congratulating, the actual de-escalation happened because:
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India launched surgical strikes post-Pahalgam attack.
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Pakistan’s military lost key airbase functionality.
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A military-to-military hotline brought an offer to cease fire.
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India, not needing mediation, responded diplomatically but decisively.
Zero room for confusion. Zero room for Trump.
When Asked Why He Remained Silent
Jaishankar said, “I had a job to do at home.”
Translation: “While some people were tweeting peace, I was getting it done.”
He also pointed out that India follows “a discipline.” Trump might interpret that as “a new streaming show on HBO.”
Kashmir & Common Sense: An Indian Affair
India’s stance was crystal clear: Kashmir is not negotiable.
“It’s our territory. There’s one part illegally occupied by Pakistan—we’ll talk about that when they’re ready to return it.”
Trump reportedly asked, “Can I buy it instead?”
The Final Mic Drop
Jaishankar, in perhaps the calmest yet sharpest diplomatic rebuke of recent memory, ended the topic with:
“We don’t take foreign policy tips on Twitter. Especially not from someone who thought Finland was part of Russia.”
Ouch.
Somewhere, in a golden office in Florida, Trump scratched his head and wondered why India isn’t giving him credit.
Probably because foreign policy isn’t a TikTok challenge.
Disclaimer:
This article is a satirical take on actual political events and public statements. Any resemblance to logic in Trump’s foreign policy is purely coincidental. No hotline was harmed during the writing of this piece. If it hurted you, you need to improve your sense of humour and for that keep reading Peak View Stories.