Lucknow (Almost Super Giants Stadium), May 19 — What started with a hunger in the eyes ended with a hunger for runs. Again.
Rishabh Pant, the ₹27-crore man, the captain who was supposed to deliver sixes and hopes, walked in at No. 3 like a warrior sent to win a war… and walked back six balls later, like a man who forgot his sword at home.
That’s less than the number of Instagram filters used by LSG’s social media team on his pre-match net practice photos.
“The hunger in his eyes,” their official handle posted before the toss, capturing Pant smashing throwdowns like a man possessed. And possessed he was — by the spirit of underachievement.
The Great Promotion and the Greater Fall
Aiden Markram and Mitchell Marsh gave Lucknow a dream start with a blazing 115-run partnership. Fans were hoping for a 200+ total. Sanjiv Goenka was smiling. Ravi Shastri was babbling something about “intent” on commentary.
Then came the moment.
Pant, fresh from his ₹27-crore dream, promoted himself to No. 3.
Twitter erupted.
“Pant is ready! Mark my words. He’s gonna prove the haters wrong today!” tweeted a fan optimistically, seconds before his stumps were rearranged by a certain Eshan Malinga — who wasn’t even in anyone’s fantasy team.
Pant’s 7(6) was as forgettable as Nicholas Pooran’s bowling career. Except Pant isn’t even a bowler.
The Mystery of the Pitch Inspection
As the dust settled on the pitch — quite literally — fans on social media began piecing together Pant’s purpose.
“Bro wasn’t batting… he was just checking if the pitch was safe for Nicholas Pooran to launch missiles,” joked one fan.
Another added, “Pant took a ₹27 crore loan to inspect the pitch for Pooran. Man’s just doing pitch consultancy for a living.”
A third chimed in: “Plot twist: Pant’s dream job was never cricket. He wanted to become a BCCI-certified soil analyst.”
Indeed, Pant’s innings looked less like batting and more like a live soil test by the Ministry of Agriculture.
The Angry Billionaire
LSG owner Sanjiv Goenka, dressed in his trademark pastel-blue linen kurta and despair, was caught by television cameras slowly removing his glasses and whispering something to his secretary that lip readers later interpreted as:
“Please check if refund option still valid on ₹27 crore.”
Insiders claim Goenka had already dialed multiple astrologers, a tantrik in Haridwar, and even enquired about trading Pant for three uncapped players and a new coffee machine.
“He wanted a Pant who’d win them matches. Instead, he got a Pant who turns powerplays into power outages,” said a source close to the owner, requesting anonymity and a new SIM card.
In the dressing room, a source claimed Goenka handed Pant a pamphlet titled “Top 10 Career Options After Cricket” — with options ranging from podcast host to online motivational speaker.
The IPL’s Costliest Mystery
Let’s talk numbers.
One fifty in 12 innings.
Average: 12.
Striking slower than some Wi-Fi connections in Bihar.
Dismissed for single digits more often than fans logging out of disappointment.
And yet, ₹27 crore. More expensive than some Bollywood movie budgets, and those at least have plot twists. Pant’s batting has only had plot drops.
He started the season with a six-ball duck, and since then, has scored more Instagram likes than actual runs.
One fan on Reddit calculated: “Pant costs ₹2.25 crore per boundary this season.”
Fans Launch “Missing Pant” Campaign
Frustrated fans have now launched a “Missing: Last Seen Scoring Runs” campaign across social media.
Billboards outside the Lucknow stadium now read:
“Have you seen this man score?”
Picture: Rishabh Pant looking confused at the crease.
Reward: One free over from Bhuvneshwar Kumar in powerplay.
Meanwhile, some fans took to spiritual solutions.
One group reportedly organised a havan near Gomti river, chanting “Om Pantaya Namah” 108 times, requesting the cricket gods to reboot his firmware.
Another fan donated a replica bat to a temple priest with a note saying: “Use this to make Prasad, at least someone will taste something sweet.”
Nicholas Pooran – The Real Main Character
In contrast, Nicholas Pooran — the man who Pant was allegedly “inspecting” for — came out and made a mockery of the same pitch.
With clean, brutal, crowd-roaring strokes, he made fans ask: “Why can’t Pant do this?”
Pooran’s bat was louder than DJ wale babu. Pant’s bat? Quieter than Ashwin’s TikTok account.
When asked about Pant’s failure post-match, Pooran said with a grin, “Well, he said the pitch was fine. I just made it look good.”
Ouch.
Pant’s Press Conference Disaster
In the post-match press conference — or should we say, “confess conference” — Pant looked like a man who’d just been asked to pay full MRP for a rejected Amazon parcel.
“Obviously, I would’ve liked to stay longer. The pitch was good. I just misjudged the ball,” he said, as the journalist from Lallantop Cricket nodded politely while tweeting, “Pant has misjudged his own talent.”
One journalist asked, “Any plans for your batting in the next game?”
Pant replied, “I’ll bat longer.”
To which the room echoed in muffled laughter, one even whispering, “That’s what he said last time.”
Memes, Murmurs and Match-Fixing Jokes
Social media exploded, naturally.
Trending Hashtags:
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#PantWasJustInspecting
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#27CroreConsultant
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#SendPantToNITForPitchAnalysis
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#PantInPantOut
One meme showed Pant with a measuring tape on the pitch and a caption:
“Rishabh Bhai ensuring Pooran’s safety by checking pitch dimensions.”
Another viral clip edited his batting footage with the song “Mera kuch samaan tumhare paas pada hai”, symbolizing his confidence being left at the crease.
The Selectors’ dilemma
As the T20 World Cup approaches, selectors are in a WhatsApp group titled “Pant ko rakhein ya na rakhein”.
Sources suggest BCCI is planning a psychological evaluation, a batting simulation, and a lie detector test where they’ll ask, “Are you sure you are still a batsman?”
Former cricketer Navjot Singh Sidhu even chimed in on a podcast:
“Rishabh’s bat is like a biscuit in hot tea — breaks under pressure.”
What’s Next for Pant?
Rishabh Pant still has matches left to turn things around. But the question is: Can he?
Or will he continue as the most expensive pitch inspector in IPL history?
One hopeful fan tweeted:
“He may fail today, he may fail tomorrow, but one day he will score… hopefully before my toddler starts school.”
Meanwhile, Sanjiv Goenka is reportedly in talks with Netflix for a docu-series titled “Crore Mein Daag: The Curious Case of Rishabh Pant.”
Disclaimer
This article is a work of satire. Rishabh Pant is an explosive batsman who is temporarily out of form — a phase even legends go through. The humour is intended in good spirit, with love from fans who still hope he returns as the match-winner he once was. But till then, don’t ruin your mood and keep reading Peak View Stories.
But seriously, Rishabh… pitch inspection ke alawa batting bhi kar liya karo, bhai.