In a move more discreet than a ninja on mute, Indian cricket’s two biggest names—Virat Kohli and Rohit Sharma—slipped out of Test cricket like guests ghosting a boring party. No swan song, no lap of honour, not even a fake emotional montage with soft music and slow claps for Virat and Rohit. Just a quiet Ctrl+Alt+Retire.
And who noticed?
Not the BCCI, apparently.
They were too busy photoshopping Jay Shah into motivational graphics and updating the price of IPL samosas.
Anil Kumble, however, did notice. And like every wise ex-cricketer with access to a microphone and ESPNcricinfo, he asked the nation’s most burning question: “Where was the farewell, bro?”
Kumble Mic Drops, BCCI Earplugs In
While addressing the media, Anil Kumble looked less like a legendary spinner and more like a dad whose kids left for college without saying goodbye.
“Right now, Rohit Sharma, a few days ago… and then Virat Kohli. I think all three of them deserved a proper send-off,” he said, possibly including himself in “all three,” because closure is contagious.
Kumble wanted a grand farewell. The fans wanted closure. The cricketers probably wanted cake.
But the BCCI, in all its opaque glory, decided a WhatsApp forward saying “Thanks Legend” was enough.
The Retirements: Two for the Price of One
In the space of five days—roughly the length of one Test match—India lost both their Test openers to retirement.
Sources say the selectors found out the same way we all did: from a fan’s Twitter thread titled, “Virat Kohli retires from Test cricket. End of an era”.
Chairman of selectors, when asked, said:
“We were just about to offer him the captaincy again. Guess we’ll offer it to Shubman now… or maybe that intern who plays good cover drives in the parking lot.”
The upcoming England tour? Well, good luck with that without Virat and Rohit.
The Farewell that Wasn’t: A Scene from a BCCI Sitcom
Imagine this: The BCCI office. Chaos. Phones ringing. Some guy is ordering lunch. Jay Shah is rehearsing his next “visionary” statement. In the corner? Cardboard cutouts of Kohli and Rohit with sticky notes: “Use in next Insta reel. #FarewellPending.”
A viral video leaked recently shows a mock farewell being practised using substitute actors.
Kohli’s doppelgänger was a guy from accounting who once wore a beard and stood straight. Rohit’s role was played by the chaiwala—he had good timing with deliveries.
Where’s the Love, BCCI?
It’s not like we wanted a full Bollywood retirement scene. But maybe a short ceremony? Some flowers? An awkward group photo with Ravi Shastri popping champagne in the background?
Even Dhoni got to walk into the sunset with some fanfare (though knowing him, he probably arranged the lights himself).
Instead, Kohli retired with the same level of excitement as someone exiting a WhatsApp group.
Rohit’s exit? Even quieter. Like a ghost in cricket whites saying, “Mujhe nikalna hai bhai, England jaane ka mann nahi hai.”
England Awaits… But Who’s Going?
With Virat and Rohit gone, and Pujara already somewhere in the Himalayas writing poetry about dot balls, the Indian Test team is looking like a college fresher batch. Young, excited, and totally unprepared for a cold British summer.
Shubman Gill is rumoured to be the next captain. Other strong contenders include:
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KL Rahul, if he remembers how to play red-ball cricket.
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Ishan Kishan, if he returns BCCI’s 47 missed calls.
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The tea vendor from Wankhede, now being considered for middle-order stability.
Meanwhile, at the NCA…
The National Cricket Academy is reportedly conducting crash courses in “How to Handle Swing in England Without Crying.”
The syllabus includes:
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Using an umbrella in Manchester while defending a ball.
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The psychological trauma of watching Anderson bowl at 37.
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Avoiding the urge to say “Yeh pitch India jaise hai hi nahi!”
BCCI’s New HR Policy: Retirement = Red Flag
According to sources, the BCCI’s new policy on retirement is simple:
“If you feel like retiring, don’t tell us. Just fade out. We’ll update your LinkedIn.”
This has inspired a few juniors to start planning their “invisible exits” too. One young pacer said, “I’m thinking of retiring next month, but only telling my mom and dog.”
Jay Shah’s Statement: “We Respect Everyone Equally. Especially Whoever Wins IPL.”
In a press briefing, BCCI secretary Jay Shah said, “Rohit and Virat are legends. We were planning something big. But the IPL auctions got in the way. Then my mic got muted. And then I had dinner. You know how it goes.”
He was then seen asking Alexa, “How to give a retirement farewell to a cricket player?”
Virat’s Response: Instagram Reels > BCCI Rituals
While BCCI struggled with its farewell drafts, Virat Kohli was already 12 reels deep into a motivational farewell journey, complete with violin music and captions like:
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“Goodbye whites, hello filters.”
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“From centurion to content creator.”
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“Test cricket over, but test match in marriage continues.”
Rohit Sharma: No Press, Just Peace
Rohit, ever the man of few words, posted a photo of his dog and simply captioned it:
“Thank you, red ball. Time to play with tennis balls at home now.”
Experts say he’s already applied for a coaching license… and a Zomato Gold membership.
Fans React: Confused, Heartbroken, and Already Blaming KL Rahul
Cricket fans across the nation lit metaphorical candles (aka phone flashlights) for the lost era.
One diehard fan from Ranchi cried on his rooftop, yelling: “First Dhoni, then Kohli and Rohit… now who will fight with umpires?”
Another fan, dressed like Virat Kohli outside Feroz Shah Kotla, screamed: “Bring them back! Or at least give us a throwback video with background tabla!”
KL Rahul, for no reason, started trending on Twitter with hashtags like #NotMyCaptain and #Don’tLetHimBatAt4.
Shubman Gill: Ready or Just Really Good at Posing?
With the captaincy reportedly heading to Gen-Z heartthrob Shubman Gill, insiders are torn between confidence and concern.
“He’s got swag, but can he survive 10 overs of Anderson and 5 columns from Gavaskar?” asked a selector.
Meanwhile, Gill was spotted in a photoshoot captioned: “Leading from the front… and the runway.”
What Could’ve Been: A Farewell of Epic Proportions
Imagine this alternate reality:
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A sold-out Eden Gardens.
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A helicopter shot by Dhoni to honour Kohli.
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Lata Mangeshkar hologram singing “Ae Mere Watan Ke Logon.”
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Ravi Shastri ending the event yelling, “Kya Farewell tha, Boss!”
But instead, we got:
Kohli’s Instagram story with the caption: “Time to move on 🙏”
And Rohit’s cryptic tweet: “Sometimes silence is the loudest cheer.”
Thanks, BCCI.
Final Thoughts: From Spinners to Spin Doctors
While Anil Kumble spins facts and emotion into thoughtful commentary, the BCCI continues spinning excuses around Virat and Rohit’s retirement.
The next time a legend retires, fans request just three things:
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A proper farewell.
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A mic that works.
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Jay Shah is not asking AI to write the speech.
Because if legends can give us years of unforgettable cricket, surely the board can spare 15 minutes and a few samosas for a heartfelt goodbye.
If this is how we’re treating legends, we fear what will happen when R Ashwin retires… maybe a Zoom call and a gift voucher?
Brace yourself, cricket fans. The new era has begun—and it’s sponsored, pixelated, and missing a goodbye hug.
Disclaimer
This article is a piece of satire intended for humorous and entertainment purposes only. While based on real events and statements, the tone, language, and exaggerations are fictional and meant to provoke thought and laughter. No cricketers, officials, or selection meetings were harmed in the making of this content.
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