In a country where cricket is religion and Kohli is the high priest of aggression, a strange drama has begun to unfold. No, it’s not the sequel to Sacred Games—it’s Captaincy Games: Kohli Edition.
As whispers of Virat Kohli’s Test retirement floated in like a lazy off-spin, another rumor crashed in like a Bumrah yorker: the King might want his crown back. Yes, Kohli allegedly told the BCCI he’s hungry for captaincy again. Or maybe he didn’t. Or maybe he did, but it was just a prank call.
Either way, we’re here for the drama.
Chapter 1: Retirement or Reinstatement? Kohli’s Emotional PowerPoint to BCCI
Sources (read: chaiwalas near BCCI headquarters) claim that Kohli prepared a 92-slide PowerPoint presentation titled “Why India Needs Kohli 2.0”, complete with pie charts, match-winning memes, and a live demo of his cover drive.
The BCCI, stunned but polite, allegedly responded with:
“Virat bhai, we love you. But we’re going with someone young… someone who still thinks TikTok is cool.”
Rumors say Kohli flipped his MacBook shut, muttered “Shubman who?”, and stormed out.
Chapter 2: The Return of the Crown—or Just Kohli’s Ego Playing Gully Cricket?
Let’s face it. Kohli was the most successful Indian Test captain ever. 40 wins out of 68 matches. A winning percentage that would make most other captains feel like they’re still playing domestic Ranji with rubber balls.
So, can you blame the man for feeling just a little bit itchy when he sees others wearing the crown?
Some reports claim he was offered Test captaincy again and said, “Naah, I’ve moved on.” Others say he begged for it like a dramatic K-drama hero in a rainstorm.
What’s the truth?
Only the WhatsApp group named “BCCI Gossip Only 🕵️♂️🔥” knows.
Chapter 3: Gambhir Enters the Chat — Literally
Enter Gautam Gambhir, now India’s head coach and the man who never smiles unless someone mentions the 2011 World Cup Final.
According to more mysterious reports, Gambhir offered Kohli the Test captaincy in a low-lit hotel corridor while pretending to be casual:
“So… want the captaincy back? No pressure, bro.”
Kohli, sipping green tea and wearing his “One8” hoodie, allegedly replied,
“No thanks, I’m into meditation now. But also, yes. But no. But maybe?”
Later, Gambhir reportedly suggested Jasprit Bumrah as captain and Yashasvi Jaiswal as deputy. Kohli responded by posting an Instagram story with just one emoji: 👀
Chapter 4: Retirement Plans or Just Mood Swings?
Another explosive report—perhaps written on MS Word 2007—claimed Kohli is planning to retire from Test cricket altogether.
Fans were shocked. Twitter broke. Rohit Sharma reportedly called Kohli and said:
“Retiring is fun, you get more sleep and fewer net sessions.”
To which Kohli allegedly replied,
“But who’ll shout at the slips cordon in my absence?”
At this point, fans began conducting detailed YouTube conspiracy analysis videos with titles like:
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“Kohli’s Eyebrow Raised 7 Degrees = Test Retirement?”
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“Kohli Wore a White Shirt = Wants Captaincy Back?”
Chapter 5: The BCCI Selection Meeting: Drama, Dosas, and Dilemmas
A fictional source deep inside the BCCI selection meeting tells us the discussion went like this:
Selector 1: “Kohli wants to retire.”
Selector 2: “But he also wants to captain.”
Selector 3: “Maybe he wants to retire as captain?”
Gambhir: “Just pick someone who doesn’t have a beard for once.”
All: Uncomfortable silence.
In the end, nobody knows if Kohli is captaining, quitting, or just trolling everyone from his living room in a motivational hoodie.
Chapter 6: Fans React—Tears, Memes, and Some Spiritual Awakening
Social media exploded like it was a last-over chase. Some top comments from fans included:
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“If Kohli retires, I’ll retire from watching cricket. Permanently. Except IPL.”
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“Make Kohli PM if not Test captain.”
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“Kohli doesn’t need the crown. The crown needs Kohli.”
Meanwhile, Kohli’s fan clubs are planning protest rallies outside BCCI offices with slogans like:
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“Bring Back the Beard!”
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“Crown for the Cover Drive King!”
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“Captaincy Ke Liye Kohli Ko Khaana Nahi Denge!”
Chapter 7: Kohli’s Dilemma—To Be or Not to Be… Test Captain Again?
In a private diary (which totally exists and isn’t made up), Kohli allegedly wrote:
“I miss the walk to the toss. The coin flip. The way Ravi Shastri said ‘champions’ in the dressing room. I miss shouting ‘C’mon boys’ 48 times an hour. I miss scaring Pujara when he misses a catch.”
But then he also wrote:
“Also, I like vacationing in the Maldives and spending time with Vamika. And IPL captaincy is a headache I don’t miss.”
So what’s it gonna be, Virat?
A peaceful Test retirement with yoga retreats?
Or one last epic return to the throne with red-ball revenge?
Chapter 8: The Final Word – Or Is It?
As BCCI prepares to announce the new Test squad and captain, everyone’s on edge.
Will it be Shubman Gill? Bumrah? Or a surprise twist: Ashwin with the crown and Sir Jadeja as his sword-wielding deputy?
As for Kohli, he’s reportedly started a new playlist on Spotify titled “Captaincy Feels, No Cap 🧢” and is reading Rumi to find inner peace.
But if the England Test series goes south, don’t be surprised if he walks into the dressing room, smashes a thigh, and says:
“Miss me, boys?”
Epilogue: The Kohli Legacy—Captain or Not, the GOAT Marches On
Whether he retires, returns, or just trolls everyone for a few more months, one thing is clear: Virat Kohli’s legacy is untouchable.
He gave Indian cricket its aggression, its pride, and its emoji-worthy moments. He was the captain who roared louder than a stadium full of fans. Whether or not he wears the crown again, he’ll always be the King.
Just don’t ask him to coach. Not yet. He might retire from retirement first.
Disclaimer:
This is a satirical and humorous take on recent news reports surrounding Virat Kohli’s potential retirement and his alleged interest in the Test captaincy. The article blends real events with fictional commentary for entertainment purposes only. Please keep your bats calm and don’t throw bouncers, and continue reading.