In a stunning display of calm under pressure and a level of national denial that would make even your average WhatsApp uncle proud, the Indian military confirmed today that Pakistani Missile-Drone Attack tried to hit Indian military bases — and absolutely nothing happened. Nada. Zilch. Not even a scratched pole or a misplaced cup of chai.
According to a post from the Integrated Defence Services on X (formerly Twitter, now owned by Elon Musk and memes), “Military Stations of Jammu, Pathankot and Udhampur… targeted by Pakistan using missiles and drones… Threat neutralised by Indian Armed Forces as per SoP with kinetic & non-kinetic means.”
Yes, you read that right — kinetic and non-kinetic. Translation: we hit them with both bullets and bureaucracy. Rumor has it, one of the drones was so overwhelmed by Indian Standard Operating Procedures (SOPs) that it self-destructed midair out of confusion.
An Attack or Just a Misguided Delivery Attempt?
The attack, reportedly launched in response to India’s Operation Sindoor, which allegedly turned several terrorist “infrastructures” in Pakistan into infrastructural memories, was intercepted just in time. Missiles were flying. Drones were buzzing. Lights were out. But “no losses” were reported.
Some believe Pakistan’s military thought they were using Google Maps but mistakenly selected the “Deliver to enemy” option.
Locals in Pathankot, Amritsar, and Hoshiarpur heard loud bangs — which may have been either drones, missiles, or the neighbors upstairs finally dropping that goddamn sofa.
Blackout: Real Strategy or an Excuse to Skip Homework?
Following the attempted attacks, a massive blackout was enforced across regions in Jammu, Punjab, and Rajasthan. The official reason? “Safety.” The unofficial reason? “To give the missiles something to miss.”
Residents were advised to stay indoors, keep their lights off, and in one viral clip, even told to “avoid yelling at their spouses to not alert enemy drones with sound waves.”
Meanwhile, Punjab’s power department proudly took credit for the blackout. “We were doing that anyway,” said a spokesperson. “This just makes it look planned.”
War of Drones and Decorum: Welcome to 2025
The current India-Pakistan standoff, dubbed by social media as #DroneWars2025, has been simmering since Operation Sindoor — which sources say involved smart bombs, smarter tweets, and a particularly passive-aggressive press conference.
India’s Defence Ministry assured the public that while Pakistan may have launched “eight missiles and several drones,” India countered with SOPs, radar interception, passive-aggressive aerial maneuvering, and, when necessary, strongly worded diplomatic letters written in cursive.
A few military experts believe India’s secret weapon is not a missile system, but its Air Force WhatsApp Group, where they coordinate strikes using memes, GIFs, and the occasional Salman Khan movie reference.
Casualty Count: Only Pakistan’s Ego
Despite the attack, India reported “no casualties or material losses.” However, Pakistan’s national pride took a serious hit after none of its missiles reached their targets, drones were jammed mid-air, and one drone was last seen being chased by a large pigeon near Udhampur.
Pakistan’s military spokesperson claimed this was merely a “test run,” while their PR team mistakenly released a celebratory video showing footage from Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.
Meanwhile, in Pakistan…
In Islamabad, authorities initially denied involvement, then blamed “rogue elements,” then confirmed involvement, then claimed it was a “friendly flyover gone wrong.” Sources say Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif even called Indian PM Narendra Modi to say, “Sorry bro, wrong button. Happens.”
Unofficial reports suggest the Pakistani military is now working with ChatGPT to program their next drone attack. (We deny any involvement.)
Operation Sindoor: Now With 100% More Mystery
India’s earlier Operation Sindoor reportedly dismantled terrorist launchpads in Pakistan-occupied Kashmir. While Pakistan claims there were no such launchpads, India’s satellites say otherwise.
India’s official footage of the strike showed a grainy infrared video of “something blowing up,” followed by an enthusiastic “Bharat Mata Ki Jai” from the defense ministry’s YouTube comment section.
Unofficially, Operation Sindoor was described as “surgical, precise, and deeply poetic.” One anonymous pilot told us, “We hit ‘em so hard, even their future generations felt the air pressure.”
Opposition Reacts: “We Demand Better Missiles”
India’s opposition parties demanded greater transparency, a press conference, and at least one blown-up building to justify the late-night alerts. “What’s the point of an attack if we can’t milk it for TRPs?” asked one disgruntled TV anchor.
In Pakistan, opposition parties accused the military of staging the attack for more defense funding. One even questioned if the missiles were built by interns. “We don’t want fireworks, we want results!” shouted a protester while accidentally setting off a firecracker.
Experts Weigh In
Lt Gen. Bakshi (Retd):
“We intercepted the drones before they even finished GPS buffering.”
Dr. Paresh Bhogle, Geopolitical Analyst:
“Pakistan is like that guy who shows up late to a street fight, throws a slipper, and then runs away yelling ‘I won.’”
AI Defense Strategist, ChatGPT:
“If you’re going to launch an attack, ensure the drones don’t come with software updates in-flight.”
The Road Ahead: Diplomacy, Drones & Denials
As tensions continue, both countries are gearing up for a potential sequel to this cinematic exchange. India is reportedly investing in AI-powered anti-drone eagles, while Pakistan is rumored to be upgrading their missile systems with Bluetooth connectivity and Spotify Premium.
Meanwhile, diplomats from both nations are preparing to meet at a neutral location — a dhaba near the Wagah border — where discussions will be conducted over chai, parathas, and veiled threats.
Final Thoughts: No Losses, All Laughs
In a time of escalating global conflict, digital misinformation, and endless social media bickering, one thing remains clear: if you’re going to start a fight, at least make sure your weapons work.
India has shown calm, preparedness, and a killer sense of restraint. Pakistan has shown us what happens when you trust Google Translate for military commands.
The world watched. Nothing exploded. And somewhere, deep in South Asia, the world’s longest, strangest, and most passive-aggressive conflict continues.
📢 Disclaimer:
This article is a work of satire and should not be construed as factual reporting. All names, quotes, and situations are exaggerated for humorous effect. If you’re offended, we recommend launching a drone, but please… update the firmware first and keep reading for more such news.